The Ways of Ruto
by SunshineStorm
Summary: A oneshot about Ruto's scheme to make Link fall for her…and how badly she fails at it!


Disclaimer: Of course, I own nothing…except me…for now…I'm pretty sure my brother is planning to sell me as a maid or servant to rich people so he can have money to buy a new phone every other month…

Note: Right now this is a oneshot, but I think it has potential to be a series of oneshots (eventually…maybe).

Please enjoy!

**The Ways of Ruto**

Oh, to be young…AGAIN?!

Ruto looked around in the semi-darkness. No matter how cautious she was being, the loud noise of her entering the secret basement room was unavoidable since she had no way of stopping the explosives from going BOOM in the loud way explosives…BOOMed. She waved smoke out of her face and continued with her work.

Ruto was amazed at how good she had gotten at stealth—it had taken her the last 5 of her 17 years to finally sneak out of her home and into the Temple of Time. The stealth had surprisingly been the hardest part of her goal. Finding what she wanted had been the easiest because Jabu-Jabu could be easily persuaded into telling her his secrets.

See, her plan was to find an object hidden in the Temple of Time. This item would enable her control the time (such as age) of the person(s) she chose. The person she was after was, of course, poor Link. She came up with the notion that if she turned him back into a child and kidnapped him, and then she could make him fall in love with her as he grew up again.

Ruto climbed out of the hole she'd made in the center of the beautiful marble floor of the Temple. She tried not to think about how angry the other sages would be as she pulled herself onto the undamaged part of the floor: they just couldn't understand, well maybe Zelda could understand. But Zelda was too much of goody-two shoes to allow Ruto to justify the hole with her love for Link even though Zelda shared the same feelings for Link.

Even if she got in trouble, it wouldn't matter to Ruto because she had successfully gotten her treasure. It was a 16 inch gold staff with an onyx stone on both ends. And only she had the instructions on how to use it.

Ruto studied the staff and then surveyed the Temple, especially at the hole. She started to laugh, the laugh soon turned evil as she imagined Zelda's face when she saw the hole. Thinking of Zelda made Ruto think of how the other princess and Link had almost gone on a date last week. Luckily that disaster was avoided thanks to Link's plans to go abroad in order to find a way to get rid of Navi. The thought of Link and Zelda on a date made her so angry she shrieked to vent her rage. Her shriek was so loud that the whole of Hyrule Castle Town Market heard it. Ruto scampered out of the Temple as quickly as she could. She cackled as she alternately ran and skipped and somersaulted across the dusk-lit Hyrule Field, holding her prize above her head and doing random happy dances.

~~Meanwhile in Kokiri Forest~~

Link and Saria who were camping by a pond somewhere in the Lost Woods (actually…they got lost—searching for a plant that would supposedly put Navi in a coma for an indefinite amount of time—and they refused to admit it, therefore they decided that they were camping…), and were currently by a campfire singing Kumbaya as loudly as possible (secretly hoping the noise would alert someone to rescue the two) in the middle of the night.

They stopped when they heard a strange noise coming from one of Link's pockets. Link pulled out a jar containing a bluish colored fairy. Navi had gotten so mind-blowingly annoying to the point where she _had_ to be contained. The noise coming from the jar turned out to be music that was being blasted as loud as it could go on a teeny tiny boom box. Specifically, the music being blasted consisted of the most easily stuck-in-your- head-till-you-go-insane songs. Link and Saria exchanged a glance that showed their worry for the tiny fairy's sanity as well as for their safety.

They pondered how to handle Navi, when her boom box started to play eerie, doom-foreshadowing music and the water in the pond rippled. A head slowly began to rise from the dark water. Link and Saria jumped up and got as far away from the water as possible.

Saria cowered behind Link, which worked pretty well for her since Link was 17 and Saria was still a child, well, child-sized. Link stood there, shaking as he held out the jar containing Navi (whose boom box still played the creepy music) in front of him as if the little ball of blue light was a powerful shield.

Ruto popped out of the water, Navi's music cut off. There was silence as Ruto made her move. She moved so fast, Link and Saria didn't even have time to be relieved that it was only Ruto and not some water monster that had come out of the pond.

The Zora princess held up the bottle containing the fairy.

"Aha!" she said, "I have your most prized possession, Link! Now you must come back with me."

Link decided to play it cool so as not to give away that the princess really did have the upper hand.

"Why on all the known worlds would that insanely annoying creature be important enough to me to get me to go with you?" Link countered.

"Don't mess with me! My plan is perfect—I _know_ that the fairy took something valuable to you."

Link was cornered. She was correct. Two days earlier, Navi swallowed Link's most precious possession. He was totally baffled as to how she found out about it since only he and Navi knew that Link even had such a thing (Ruto knew because she spied on Link…). Not even Saria knew it existed yet she had agreed to help him put Navi in a coma (so he could come up with a way to get his item back in the least gross way possible, like have someone surgically remove it).

Link stepped forward to go with Ruto. The princess grinned. Enjoying the madness of the moment, Ruto walked over to Saria and tied her up with seaweed.

Then she grabbed Link and led him to the pond. He resisted.

"If I have to go with you for an undetermined amount of time, then I want my things," Link whined.

Ruto rolled her eyes and led Link the other way. Saria screamed threats as the two walked out of the Woods. Ruto somehow knew the way out…

As they walked to Link's house, Ruto and Link came across Mido selling rocks, grass, and some old underwear (old as in not brand new, not old as in dirty).

Link twitched.

"Why…?" Ruto trailed off.

"Because I need NEW underwear!" he exclaimed.

"In the middle of the night?" Link couldn't stop himself from speaking out loud.

"It's harder to see in the dark," Mido said in a mysterious voice.

Link and Ruto just walk away, trying to forget the last 32 seconds of their lives.

Link spent the rest of the night packing what he wanted to bring with him during his imprisonment. He made sure to grab his "special book" to bring to help keep him from going crazy.

~~In Zora's Domain~~

Ruto blindfolded Link, forced him to put on the tunic allowing him to breathe under water (which was sadly difficult for him to do while blindfolded) and took him to her secret lair located next to the waterfall inside Zora's Domain with its entrance actually under the waterfall. To get to the main caves, they had to swim along a long tunnel for over 10 minutes. Once there, Ruto took all of Link's water-related items and removed his blindfold. Link stared at in astonishment as soon as the blindfold had been removed. The place was huge; Link even had his own room to be locked in. He surveyed the place for ways to escape. There were a few that gave him hope.

Link decided to go over his options before feeling any despair. Then he thought about Zelda. She would notice his disappearance and go looking for him. But it was out of the question because she was off in the Land of La La-La La taming unicorns.

~~Flash to the Land of La La-La La~~

Zelda stood in a beautiful field of flowers by a clear blue lake with a double rainbow in the background.

"I am so glad I decided to take this vacation to get away from them," she said to no one in particular.

"All by myself," she continued serenely until she looked out the corner of her eye, "AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHh! No! They followed meeee."

~~Back to Link~~

Ruto locked the bottle containing Navi in a cage. Navi's boom box started playing "Break Away."

"Don't bother trying to find the exit."

"…There's only one way out and you brought me in that wa-" Link was cut off.

"There are dangerous things blocking the door."

Ruto gave Link a hard stare before gleefully pulling out the wand that she used a second later to turn Link into a child.

Link felt a tingling sensation, but it tickled more than hurt.

"What the h-" Link cut off looking down at his now tiny body. He promptly fainted.

~~5 weeks later~~

After getting used to his situation, Link decided to try and take advantage of it. He started complaining about going stir crazy being stuck in the same room day after day with nothing to do. Karaoke with Navi got old pretty quickly. Her tiny, high-pitched fairy voice could cause migraines that could kill.

He got so annoying that Ruto agreed to take him on a picnic.

They sat on a ledge above Zora River in front of the entrance to Zora's Domain.

"Now, no trying to get away, Link. You have shackles on so you'd drown if you fell," Ruto warned. She put the jar with Navi in it in between herself and Link. Ruto had brought the fairy on the condition that she either stay silent or play romantic music on her boom box.

"Why do I need shackles? I'm a kid so I can't run very fast."

Ruto ignored him while she arranged the food from the basket. Link took a sandwich.

"Tofu and leaves again?! I'm tired eating only of vegetables and tofu. I want steak and chicken and fish!" Link complained. Ruto nearly choked on her tofu sandwich.

"How could you?!" she exclaimed, "Has spending time with us taught you nothing? And the food has a yummy lime sauce on it."

"US?! I've been stuck in a cave next to a waterfall! I haven't spent time with anyone other than that thing!" Link pointed at Navi who gave a muted "Hey!" He used his other hand to point to Ruto, "And you! That fairy and you are the only things I've had contact with since being brought here! You wouldn't let me out to mingle with your people for fear that I would escape, which I would, of course."

"Fine, I'll bring a friend for you."

~~Four Days Later~~

"Make it stop! Enough! I want my solitude baa-aack," Link was almost crying.

"Ok, but I thought that was how guys became friends," Ruto said sweetly. She made a hand motion and the big Zora who had been "wrestling" with Link let the poor boy out of a headlock and left.

"You're insane!" Link exclaimed. Ruto had already brought in one of her friends to keep Link company. That one had talked nonstop about beauty. Then Ruto had brought in that girl's kid sister and her friend because she thought Link should have friends his own age. But they were awful as well. The little girl had immediately crushed on Link and her friend had destroyed Link's room with his imaginary gun fight. This latest attempt with a Zora actually Link's age had just turned out to be painful, so Link gave up.

Ruto turned to leave but she saw something out of the corner of her eye. It was Link's special book.

He noticed Ruto eyeing it and reached for it at the same time she did. Unfortunately for Link, Ruto grabbed it first.

"Why are there drawings of Zelda in here?" she exclaimed.

Link didn't answer because the answer was obvious.

Ruto flipped through the book some more. Then she turned on her heel and walked away with it.

Link was desperate to get his book back because it was keeping him sane (well, wouldn't you go insane if you were trapped in a water hole with no escape and only an annoying fairy and a fish girl for company?)

Link grabbed on to Ruto's legs and pleaded with her to give him the book back. Ruto took it to her living room where a bright fire was burning (What? How? They're mostly under water…in a cave…)

She threw the book in the fire and blocked Link from retrieving it.

He sobbed for a bit, and then stared at the fire with a glazed look.

Ruto got a bit freaked and left him there.

~~Later that night during dinner~~

Link was particularly hating the seaweed soup that he was being forced to eat. He was also seriously thinking of starving himself (since he'd go insane anyway without his book), which led him to try and come up with reasons to live (and failing for the most part). Then, while staring at his small hand, he suddenly got the idea to use logic.

"Ruto, you told me the reason you did this was so I would fall for you. If that happened, how could we ever be together? I'm like 10 years younger than you right now!"

Ruto choked on her food, "I'd, I'd turn you back." Link ignored this.

"AND wasn't turning me into a child so you could raise me? But my mind isn't a child's mind, so that can't work."

Ruto mumbled what sounded like "Stockholm syndrome."

"You don't really love me or—"

Link was cut off by an unexpected event.

"He's right, you know. We failed," a familiar female voice said from the direction of the ceiling. Ruto and Link looked up to see a Zora come out of a shimmering hole in the ceiling.

Ruto almost started choking again. Then she saw that the Zora looked exactly like she did with some small differences. This strange new-comer was in fact an older version of Ruto come from the future to the past.

"Should we help her?" a shocked Link asked the newcomer because Ruto had started turning purple.

Future Ruto smiled and went to pat Ruto on her back.

When Ruto could talk again, she sputtered out, "How? Wha—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's skip to the part of the conversation that includes more complex sentences and information," Ruto's future-self declared, "Such as the reason I'm here."

"Are you here to free me so I can leave this place and pursue a career in marine biology?" Link asked hopefully.

"Uh, you got the freeing part right. Ruto, you must let him go because this plan failed so badly I'm ashamed to think we exist. I was so ashamed, I had to make up for my shame by cleansing myself under a waterfall, drinking holy water, staking myself with a cross, and walking through purifying fire."

"Did you really do that?" Link asked.

"No, I gorged myself on berries. Anyway, in my future, this kid keeps his memories straight, hating us for 50 years so we never turn him back to normal so we can't marry him."

Ruto finally spoke up, "But you don't look older than 50…"

"That's because an even older Ruto appeared to me and told me, so now I'm here to tell you because I have a brilliant idea but I can't put it into motion until this mess is cleared up. So…" Future Ruto waved her wand and turned Link big again. Before Link had a chance to be happy about this, she waved it again and sent him to the middle of Kokiri Village.

~~Link~~

Link again didn't have time to be happy about his situation because all the stuff Ruto took from him fell on his head, including the jar that held Navi. Then he couldn't celebrate because he looked down to find himself naked in the middle of the day in the center of a busy Kokiri Village…

As all of the residents of Kokiri Village were technically children, making this a very awkward thing to happen so everyone was holding their hands over their neighbor's eyes.

"I didn't steal the tomatoes!" Mido shouted while he ran around in circles in front of Link with a pair of underwear on his head. He stopped when he spotted Link in his birthday suit. Mido took the underwear on his head off and offered them to Link.

"That is a clean pair of underwear, right?" Link asked, considering taking the underwear.

Mido nodded. Link took them, put them on, and ran home.

Mido started running in circle again, laughing at Link and throwing tomatoes at the villagers who still had their eyes covered.

~~The next day~~

The morning after Link's embarrassing arrival back at his own home, he decided to sleep off the embarrassment of being naked in front of most of the village.

Today's challenge would be how to remove his precious possession from Navi's insides. He glanced toward the fairy. She was doing push-ups. When she noticed that Link was watching her, she started laughing at him. What particular point about Link she was laughing at is unknown—whether it was his hat, or that she swallowed his precious thing, his unsuccessful attempts to get a real girlfriend, or the fact that he'd been held captive by Ruto and then released by her future self and landed butt-naked in his home town—but Link snapped. He got dressed in a flurry, grabbed Navi's jar and ran outside. He found a particularly big bolder and threw the jar at it.

It cracked open. Navi was thrown against the rock. Her whole body smashed into it. The impact made the little fairy sick. She spit out Link's prized possession: a pink rock.

Ruto walked up to Link. He saw her and shrieked in a very high-pitched voice.

"Cool it. I'm just here to apologize. So, I'm sorry."

"I accept as long as you promise to never do anything like that ever again."

"I promise," Ruto said with her fingers crossed behind her back.

Navi was dizzy from her recent meeting with the rock. She sat on Ruto's head singing "99 bottle of milk on the wall."

Ruto spotted the stone in Link's hand. She grabbed it.

Link was furious. He lunged for it, yelling, "Zelda gave that to me!"

Ruto laughed. Suddenly there was a bright white flash of light from the pink stone and Ruto and Link found themselves standing in a beautiful field of flowers surrounded by majestic mountains with the blue sky covered in fluffy while clouds and Zelda.

"What are you two doing here? And why are you naked?!" Zelda's shriek echoed off the mountains.

**The End**

A/N: Thank you for reading!

Ruto: You made me so awful I don't have words to describe it!

A/N: Didn't you just-

Ruto: No! You better come up with something better!

A/N: I'll try, but this was the first fanfic I wrote, so it's a bit of a mess.


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